I’ve tried to live my life in a way that I don’t do things or make decisions that can hurt or damage anyone else. I don’t believe that I’ve done anything to make anyone overly upset. If I have, please let me know and I’ll write you something.
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
You both died my freshman year of college and when you passed, I didn’t feel anything. No hurt. No sadness. No happiness. Nothing. I’ve always wondered why you both never came around. I’m sure it had a lot to do with the fact that I was my father’s child, but all my life you lived less than 10 minutes away from me and you never came to see me once. You only called my mother to ask where my father was, never to speak to me. When you died, I was surprised that your neighbors knew who I was and that you (grandmother) spoke of me often. I was always jealous of Everette because you were the grandparents to him that I wish I had in my life. I never understood why and I always thought that you both had hate in your heart for me. As an adult, I understand why I was treated the way I was. It was never right, but I understood. I think that I have gotten to the point where I’m trying to forgive those that treated me wrong and you both were on that list somewhere.
I remember the last conversation that I had with you (grandfather). You talked to me about music and all of the accomplishments you made. How you played for Roberta Flack and how you taught music in schools and colleges. I learned that I guess I got my love from music from you. It would have been awesome to have learned things from you but…such is life.
I remember the last conversation that I had with my grandmother. I remember you calling me to tell me that my grandfather died and I simply said, “sorry for your loss”. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know either of you enough to feel bad. I remember the day that you died I was at work at the Aquarium and I was thinking about you, which was odd. I got in my mom’s car after work and told her that I was gonna call you when I got in the house and she said, “well you can’t call her now because she’s dead.”
I guess sometimes I wish that I did call more or made an effort to get to know you both, but I always felt like you both should have cared enough to try to get to know me. I don’t know if any of this letter is making any sense or not, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that underneath all of my anger for you that love exists and that you’ve taught me what not to do whenever I have children/grandchildren.
I really wish that I could have gotten a chance to meet you! You are everything I want to be! You gave your life to public service and you stayed fly while working hard to make this country a better place for black women, really all women for that matter. Your life is such an inspiration to all public administrators and non-profit workers. If I could make an ounce of the difference that you made, I would have accomplished so much! Striving to be a trailblazer and trendsetter just like you!
Yo seriously?! I’ve been delaying this post because don’t want to write this. I’ll write the obvious one because everyone knows who it is…*Wall slides on the floor and rolls around* *long dramatic SIGH*
Dear…well you know who you are…
I don’t exactly know how to begin this. I met you at Roland Park, and well I really wish I didn’t sometimes. I liked you sooooooo much back then. Nobody couldn’t tell me that you weren’t the best looking boy I ever saw. SMH I look back over the things that I did, all of the extra awkward encounters…I was embarassed a lot. All I wanted was for you to like me. My feelings were hurt a lot over you & I think a lot of things you did, you did it to be nice. You’d come around and entertain me to be nice but really I’m pretty sure you didn’t feel like I did. I always wondered what if I had said something in a direct manner, but then I did and yeah…-__-
I never really understood why I liked you for so long. I think something or someone is appealing because its something that you know will never happen. But…when the opportunity comes for something to come into fruition, it’s no longer appealing…then you back away from it. That’s me. I think I wanted something that I thought would never happen. I’m glad it didn’t. I don’t want someone who really was making me put up effort because you don’t care, and that my friends have talked about and have thoughts of sleeping or have slept with. They’ll never tell me I’m sure, but I’m far from stupid.
But anywho, to my long ass crush, there’s a lot I haven’t said because it doesn’t matter anymore. Dear Sir, I hope you are doing well and that life is treating you well. I’m sure I’ll see you around randomly!
Oh how I can’t wait to see the day that you will come into fruition!!! Everyday, as I sit at work, everytime I get a homework assignment, everytime I get some time to myself, everytime I am in my car, my bed, on the train…my mind constantly thinks of you. It has come to a point where I almost want to give up on you, because the harder I try, it seems the further away I am from you. I don’t want to give up on you but I can’t see where you are anymore. I no longer think about unrealistic and farfetched dreams like I used to. I’ve lost track of you, and it feels awful. This year, I dedicate to refamiliarize myself with you! I need something to look forward to again!
So uhm…wow. I don’t think I have one of those. I’m the only child, and I don’t really get along with my family enough to have a closest relative. Maybe Grammie. Yeah, I’ll say Grammie.
Underneath all of your sass and mean words most of the time, you’re pretty awesome. Thank you for stepping in and being the missing parent in my life. I thouroughly enjoy your company and your love. I know that I’m your favorite, and I won’t tell the others lol. I have so many memories that were hilarious and you continuously add to them. You’re my second Mom, and I’m thankful for you having my back when other family members have treated me awful in the past. Thank you for stepping in when Mommy was not able to be there for me. Thank you for all of the dances we used to do in your kitchen to one of your Doo Wop songs, lol. Thank you for all of your nicknames, Miss America Junior, Melanie Sue, among other ones that I won’t say, lol. Thank you for serenading me in your best singing voice. lol Thank you for all of the car games we used to play on the way to school. Thank you for all of the curse outs you used to say in the car to other drivers while I cackled and wondered what a salamander was lol. Thank you for all of the curse outs I’ve received over the years. I’m unsure of how much longer I’ll have you and I honestly don’t want to think about it, but just know that even though I might seem angry and I may say things that make you angry, that I love you. You’re my only grandparent that I’ve had a relationship with and your awesomeness supercedes my father’s folks, but I won’t get into that.
I love you with all of my heart. I thank God for you. I am thankful of how you worked, almost to death, to make sure that I was taken care of. Thank you for being my mother and father through everything! Even though it seems that many times you can’t express to me how you really feel about certain things, I know that you care and love me. You’ve been through so much and you are still here. I wish you knew how awesome you really are. I wish that you would take care of yourself and love yourself like how I do and God does. Mommy, I don’t want you to worry about me anymore. I’m an adult and I’ll learn for myself. Go out and have yourself some fun! Go grab your boo and hit the road. Go on a trip. Make new friends, because I know the ones you had didn’t treat you the best. Give yourself time to heal. Forgive. Move on and live your life because these folks out here aren’t thinking and dwelling about what happened in the past. Stay strong while you take care of Grammie. God sees what you are doing and sometimes the things we do won’t be rewarded in this life. I love you. Jesus loves you. Your life is not finished! Step out on faith, take control of your life and live it for you.
*long dramatic sigh* Here we go…
Its unfortunate that after all of these years, I’m still not comfortable with calling you my father. But anyway, I don’t know where to begin. I don’t remember you until either 10 or 11. I don’t know which Christmas that was. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have certain memories, such as the Christmas where you claimed you sold my Christmas gifts and had to write to tell me that as an 11/12 year old. I understand that you weren’t in your right frame of mind, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Or the many times you promised you’d do things for me or come and see me and never show up. I never received anything in the mail either. Or how you would randomly pick up and leave and appear in a random state like Vermont, chasing after some woman. I never understood how you got around like that. I never understood why you would wait to call me if you were in the hospital or if you were feeling depressed or in the middle of trying to do harm to yourself. That was never cool to me and I don’t think I’ve completely forgiven you for doing that to me. You wonder why I don’t call or anything like that, its because you ALWAYS said something to make me feel bad. I was a child and you called me with all of that depressing stuff. That wasn’t fair to me. I wasn’t the cause of your situation. You were. Take that up with yourself.
As an adult, I think I’m indifferent about our relationship because, well…I haven’t forgiven you entirely and I still don’t believe much of what you say either. Hopefully, this letter will begin to give me some type of healing and I can be able to have this conversation with you without being concerned for your feelings. You weren’t concerned for mine when you decided to leave and went to New York. You weren’t concerned for my feelings when you chose drugs over me for all of those years. I can remember how I felt when you would just blatantly lie to me and how I used to cry because you broke your promise. AGAIN. On a positive note,
I’m proud of you for overcoming your addiction and maybe one day we can have a good relationship. It’s not going to happen overnight though and you can’t force me into anything, as I’m sure you can see. I do love you though and I hope that one day we’ll be able to have a good relationship.
My crush. I don’t really think I have one of those. There isn’t one person that really catches my eye or sparks my interest like that right now. But I’ll do one just for fun…lol
Dear Guy On the Metro,
I have no clue what your name is, however I do know that you went to Morgan at some point because I remember seeing you in the GSBM Honors Program seminars, I believe in the class behind mine lol. I want you to know that I am not a stalker, I just can’t stop looking at you. Why are you so friggin cute? lol When I’m on the metro and it stops at Landover, I look for you. When I get off work, I look to see if you’re on the platform waiting for the train too. Briefly though, I’m not there with the dramatic, desperate look, searching for my long lost lover. Thank you for being my metro eye candy! lol You’re handsomeness is appreciated.
*long exaggerated sigh* I think I’ve waited long enough for this…so here goes…lol
My Lord, how long have we known each other? Since 6th grade? I remember distinctly because you got transferred into my homeroom towards the end of the year and I didn’t like you because my friends didn’t. However, because nobody liked you in the class, I decided to become your friend. I was a good Samaritan at a young age, lol. However, since then we’ve been inseparable. Though we’re not as close as we were and we don’t really see each other since your move to Ohio, just know I’d still shank a heifer for you. lol Now hurry up and graduate so you can move back to Baltimore! lol Love you sis!
Lawd. I don’t even know where to begin. I think in 8th grade you conned me into being your best friend, lol. We’ve been through entirely TOO MUCH! lol To the days of walking the streets at night trying to stay out of the house, to going downtown and being cursed out by crackheads and saxophone players, to your random get-togethers at your house, to houseparties at your apt in college, Hammerjacks and the Paradox, and all kinds of drama we have had, we’re still here. You gave me two dramatic & awesome god-daughters lol and though we aren’t like we once were, we’re still making it work. Thank you for letting me steal your mom, you can keep Elisha tho. lol Love you sis!
I think we met in 10th grade in Ms. Sears AP Government class where you left me when I thought I had a friend in the class, lol. Me, you, Christian and sometimes Kara hung out till you decided to go to WSSU. (BOO! Lol) Then when you graduated you came back and gave me my first adult best-friendship. We’ve done lots of fun stuff, you introduced me to awesome folks and we’ve had a lot of good opportunities. I think at this point, we both probably have issues that we should discuss at some point. Basically we’re growing apart and that’s fine. It happens. I’ve experienced it throughout all of my friendships. Maybe at some point we’ll be near where we were. But if not, I know that you’ll do well. You’re still my sis and I love you!
*Thank you all for putting up with me. I’m not the easiest person to get along with and I truly value your friendships!
It’s been strange the past couple months making the album but also talking to you guys about it. I wanted you all to know I really appreciate it. The album wouldn’t be the album without you. It’s pretty personal, but you guys made…
I.love.him! He is so awesome! Been waiting for what seems like forever! Shat! LOL
These corporations, if they were individual human beings, would be locked up for life. Instead, they continue raking in the big bucks. Human rights abuses, murder, war, eco disasters, and animal exploitation keep these evil companies raking in the green. Prepare to be disgusted.
I don’t think the list is in any particular order. Even if you don’t agree with all of them (eg. the cigarette company) most of them are legit horrible. I’m posting a summary but I recommend reading the full article: http://brainz.org/15-deadliest-us-corporations/
Chevron : (then Texaco) discharged 18 billion gallons of toxic water into the rain forests of Ecuador without any remediation, destroying the livelihoods of local farmers and sickening indigenous populations. Chevron was responsible for the death of several Nigerians who protested the company’s polluting, exploiting presence in the Nigerian Delta. Chevron paid the local militia, known for its human rights abuses, to squash the protests, and even supplied them with choppers and boats. The military opened fire on the protesters, then burned their villages to the ground.
DeBeers : was knowingly funding violent guerrilla movements in Angola, Sierra Nevada, and the Congo with its diamond purchases. In Botswana, DeBeers has been blamed for the “clearing” of land to be mined for diamonds — including the forcible removal of indigenous peopleswho had lived there for thousands of years. The government allegedly cut off the tribe’s water supplies, threatened, tortured and even hanged resisters.
Tyson : Even if you don’t care about the horrendous animal abuse that has been documented in Tyson’s factory farms, you have to flinch at Tyson’s appalling environmental abuses and workers’ rights violation- Tyson has allowed e coli tainted beef to enter the food supply. A recent study showed that Tyson’s chickens were the most salmonella-and-campylobactor filled poultry of all the major suppliers and has even been accused of human trafficking to supply themselves with cheap labor.
Phillip Morris : is the largest manufacturer of cigarettes in the U.S.
Haliburton : is a huge “oilfield services” company, profited big time from the U.S.’s invasion of Iraq when Cheney called in his boys to quell burning oil wells — and to “help” the Iraq oil ministry pump and distribute oil. Haliburton has also been implicated in countless oil spills, including the BP disaster of 2010.
Coca Cola : corporation has wrought devastation in India, where its factories use up to one million liters of water per day, leaving tens of thousands of nearby residents dry during the drought months. Then the factories dispose of the wastewater improperly, contaminating whatever water is left. A lawsuit in 2001accused Coca Cola of hiring paramilitaries in Columbia which suppressed unionization in the cola plant there through intimidation, torture and murder.
Pfizer : the largest pharmaceutical corporation in the U.S., pleaded guilty in 2009 to the largest health care fraud in U.S. history. Pfizer decided to use Nigerian children as guinea pigs. In 1996, Pfizer traveled to Kano, Nigeria to try out an experimental antibiotic on third-world diseases such as measles, cholera, and bacterial meningitis. They gave trovafloxacin to approximately 200 children. Dozens of them died in the experiment, while many others developed mental and physical deformities. According to the EPA, Pfizer can also proudly claim to be among the top ten companies in America causing the most air pollution.
ExxonMobil : is perhaps best known for the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill which resulted in 11 million gallons of oil contaminating Prince William Sound. But they have also been responsible for a huge oil spill in Brooklyn and for aiding in the decline of Russia’s critically endangered grey whale because of drilling in its habitat. The Political Economy Research Institute ranks ExxonMobil sixth among corporations emitting airborne pollutants in the United States.
Caterpillar : supplies the Israeli army with bulldozers which are used to demolish Palestinian homes — sometimes with the people still inside. In 2003 a Caterpillar bulldozer ran over and killed Rachel Corrie, an American protesting in Gaza who stood in front of the tractor to prevent the destruction of a Palestinian home.
Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Baily : “The Cruelest Show on Earth” is famous for its abuse of wild animals.
Monsanto : Monsanto’s list of evils includes creating the “terminator” seed which creates plants which never fruit or flower so that farmers must purchase them anew yearly, lobbying to have “hormone-free” labels removed from the labels of milk and infant milk replacer (through bovine growth hormone is believed to be a cancer-accelerator) as well as a wide range of environmental and human health violations associated with use of Monsanto’s poisons — most notably “Agent Orange.”
Nestle : crimes against man and nature include massive deforestation in Borneo — the habitat of the critically endangered orangutan — to grow palm oil, and buying milk from farms illegally-seized by a despot in Zimbabwe. Nestle attracted worldwide boycott efforts for urging mothers in third-world countries to use their infant milk replacer instead of breastfeeding, without warning them of the possible negative effects. Supposedly, Nestle hired women to dress as nurses to hand out free infant formula, which was frequently mixed with contaminated water, or the children starved when the formula ran out and their mothers could not afford more and their breast milk had already dried up from disuse.
British Petroleum : Who can forget 2010’s oil rig explosion in the Gulf Coast which killed 11 workers and thousands of birds, sea turtles, dolphins and other animals, effectively destroying the fishing and tourism industry in the region? This was not BP’s first crime against nature. In fact, between January 1997 and March 1998, BP was responsible for a whopping 104 oil spills.
Dyncorp : is best known for its brutality in impoverished countries, for trafficking in child sex slaves, for slaughtering civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan, and for training rebels in Haiti. This privatized military company is often hired by the U.S. government to protect American interests overseas — and so the government can claim no responsibility for Dyncorp’s actions.
“If your a hot girl and you come to my show and you look great and awesome and sweet and shit. I don’t want to meet your fucking fiance. I don’t want to meet him. If I want to see other people’s shit I’ll go to a museum. I really will. That’s like eating a cake and being like ‘mhm this cake is really good’, ‘yeah I made it for you’, ‘yeah this is really good’, ‘oh I shit in it.’, ‘why’d you do that?!’, ‘I just like the attention.’ Why the fuck did you bake me a cake with a piece of shit in it?”—Donald Glover, IAMDONALD tour stand-up (via raevlee)
I was born in the congo
I walked to the fertile crescent and built
I designed a pyramid so tough that a star
that only glows every one hundred years falls
into the center giving divine perfect light
I am bad
I sat on the throne
drinking nectar with allah
I got hot and sent an ice age to europe
to cool my thirst
My oldest daughter is nefertiti
the tears from my birth pains
created the nile
I am a beautiful woman
I gazed on the forest and burned
out the sahara desert
with a packet of goat’s meat
and a change of clothes
I crossed it in two hours
I am a gazelle so swift
so swift you can’t catch me
For a birthday present when he was three
I gave my son hannibal an elephant
He gave me rome for mother’s day
My strength flows ever on
My son noah built new/ark and
I stood proudly at the helm
as we sailed on a soft summer day
I turned myself into myself and was
men intone my loving name
All praises All praises
I am the one who would save
I sowed diamonds in my back yard
My bowels deliver uranium
the filings from my fingernails are
On a trip north
I caught a cold and blew
My nose giving oil to the arab world
I am so hip even my errors are correct
I sailed west to reach east and had to round off
the earth as I went
The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid
across three continents
I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission
I mean…I…can fly
like a bird in the sky…
”—Nikki Giovanni, “Ego Tripping (there may be a reason why)” (via so-treu)
Since about 2003 I have been dealing with A LOT! Having a mentally ill parent is no walk in the park. At 16, I was helpless and in shell shock. Having your mom start saying things that made no sense. Seeing her transform from your mom to some other person that lives in the same house as you. Seeing her having full blown, drawn out conversations with herself, cracking up. And I can do nothing. I don’t know what’s going on, or what to do. People laugh when I tell the stories of what has happened…but at the end of the day its nowhere near funny to me. Its traumatic. It has affected me in so many ways…and all I can keep doing is pray that it doesn’t happen to me. What if I had kids? Would they be that way too? Sometimes she’s fine, but sometimes it gets so bad that I start to think that I’m the crazy one. I’m relieved of the times when she’s fine…but every time an episode occurs I go into a panic over what to do, when to do it, how I’m going to get her into a hospital, who’s going to help me with my grandmother, is she going to go and spend all of her money, is she going to make another field trip disappearance to Missouri out of the state, and play every possible scenario in my head. Then I have to plot to take her car keys away from her, and file a petition to have her involuntarily placed in the hospital because she’s “not sick! There’s nothing wrong with [me]!” However I’m used to it. The last time I had to do this was in 2009. I just wish that she would just take her medication. I really do. There’s nothing more that I would like to see than my mother out of isolation, happy, living her life and doing what she wants to do. I just hope that I’m not thrown in the hospital in the process. Pray for me y’all. Pray for us.